A Brief History of Time
From Tomatoland
Contents |
Why Bunty Is The Spiritual Leader For Me?
When I was eighteen, I was in the hardest times of my life. My cat Finkle died, I did a lot of acid, and I never bothered to wear pants. One day, when I was going to the dollar store in town to buy turkey skins, I came across a glowing sign. That sign was like a light, illuminating the darkness that was all around me. It was a man like no other, gliding across the power lines like a beautiful swan, with strings supporting him. He was like a sweet cherub, and it brought tears to my eyes. I knew that from this moment, my life would never be the same. His spirit and love touched my heart like no mortal man could.
Right after that glowing god passed over me, I felt a strange stirring in my heart. Then, I heard a faint whisper coming from my turkey skins.
“I BREAKY YOU GRANDPAPPYS HIPBONE”
Then, silence overcame the whole entire world around me. I was spinning in slow motion.
I knew what I had to do.
I spent the next fourty-two years spreading the message of the turkey skins, the angelic figure, and the legacy of my grandpappy’s hipbones. I finally found truth in my life. Don’t you want that same truth, that same light, to be in your life?
Why make Bunty your higher power? Because it just makes sense, silly! Haven’t you read the rest of this?
Have a problem you can’t overcome? Ask the Bunty.
Are you in need of someone to show you the true path to heaven? Ask the Bunty.
The Bunty Knows.
THE SCIENCE SECTION (FOR SCIENCE LOVERS AND EX-SCIENCE LOVERS ALIKE)
But wait, Science says that Bunty doesn’t exist. What do you have to say about that?
There have been many studies that say that Bunty did indeed create most of the known universe. Science has very little to do with anything. It’s a lie set up by the liberal left in order to get you to buy their stupid DVDs about Globar Warmping or whatever the hell they are selling.
It’s a great trick actually. We’d never use it, because we have the guidance of Bunty on our side. That’s one thing those Bunty haters don’t have.
How was the world got made?
Bunty brought together all the matter in the universe in a cosmic event known as the Rumpled Gumping. Very little is known about this event, other then we are pretty sure that it involved a rip in the fabric of the third dimension of the Gippler Drift. When Feraldo Pepe discovered the Gippler Drift, he found that matter from it was leaking into this dimension. When that matter collided together, Bunty organized it based on density and height. That is why we don’t like gay people(low height and density). Get out.
How Can I Be Like Bunty?
YOU CAN’T MORON
Deal with it.
Proper Prayer Positions
The Nose Push of Sacrifice
Steps to Success
Push index finger up to your nose. If you do not have an index finger, head to a physician right away. You probably cut off your finger, dumbass.
Push your nose upwards, not too hard or you will not maintain a proper connection. If you hurt yourself, then maybe you should practice breathing for a bit.
Relax, and feel the calmness fill your soul. That is the touch of Bunty.
Feraldo Pepe discovered that this is the best way to channel the powers of the Gippler Drift.
